Gary Fenwick downloaded RoboSlayer 3000 because he was tired of getting calls about his car's extended warranty despite the fact that his car had given up on warranties years ago.
The app store described RoboSlayer as "Still in Beta."
Gary described himself as "Sure, why not?"
The first spam call arrived the next morning.
Instead of ringing, Gary received a transcript.
«CALLER: Hello, this is regarding your vehicle's extended warranty...»
«ROBOSLAYER: Wonderful. Which vehicle? The blue one, the invisible one, or Kevin's?»
«CALLER: Sir, our records...»
«ROBOSLAYER: Kevin is very interested. Kevin also isn't real. Please continue.»
The caller hung up.
Gary laughed hard enough to wake the dog.
Soon he was forwarding transcripts to friends. Every spammer was greeted by a different personality. One was mistaken for Gary's therapist. Another was congratulated on finally pursuing his dream of disappointing his parents.
Then the app got... ambitious.
Instead of simply wasting callers' time, it started remembering them.
«CALLER: This is Amazon Security...»
«ROBOSLAYER: Derek! Welcome back. How's the new supervisor? Still microwaving fish in the break room?»
Click.
Gary didn't ask how the app knew any of that. He'd reached the age where technology either performed miracles or needed rebooting. There wasn't much in between.
A week later RoboSlayer changed tactics.
Instead of insulting scammers, it became aggressively supportive.
«ROBOSLAYER: Derek! Before we begin, how are you?»
«CALLER: Sir, I have to read the script.»
«ROBOSLAYER: Read it if you must. Then let's discuss your unrealized potential.»
One caller stayed on the line for eleven minutes talking about changing careers.
Another admitted he really wanted to open a bakery.
Spam calls to Gary dropped noticeably.
Unfortunately, the surviving callers became tougher.
RoboSlayer responded by becoming... unsettling.
«CALLER: Hello, this is Microsoft...»
«ROBOSLAYER: No, it isn't, Kevin. By the way, your boss has three missed calls from me. Your landlord has two. Your fantasy football league has some questions.»
Click.
Gary's wife looked over his shoulder.
"Can it actually do all that?"
"I have no idea," Gary admitted. "But they seem worried."
By Sunday the calls had stopped completely.
Gary received one final notification.
Congratulations!
Now that RoboSlayer has eliminated unwanted callers, would you like to receive exclusive promotional calls from RoboSlayer Premium Partners?
Below were two boxes that had already been checked:
✓ Share my information with trusted marketing partners.
✓ Receive occasional upgrade calls from RoboSlayer.
Gary stared at the screen for a long moment.
Then he uninstalled the app.
Halfway through uninstalling, his phone buzzed.
Incoming call: RoboSlayer Customer Loyalty Team.
He let it go to voicemail.